i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
