God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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