smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
