I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
