Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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