A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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