I am full of burrito and curiosity
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
