she smelled like a LAN party
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
