P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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