Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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