No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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