I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
