Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
