The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
