Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
