so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
