just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You ruined the universe
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
