went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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