Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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