There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize