I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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