The maid of honor just puked.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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