I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
