Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
