where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
