Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
