The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize