I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
