I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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