He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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