Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
