Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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