she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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