Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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