So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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