I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
