Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
It was confusing and full of hummus
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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