I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
