I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
