a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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