dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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