I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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