I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
