I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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