Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
