Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
