I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
