3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
