Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
