Pants 0. Shit 1.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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