I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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