She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
