just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
