He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
