yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I supernannyed him into submission
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
