HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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