in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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